Happy New Year! Make Sex in 2017 the year you learn about and have the best sex ever.
Make a promise that you will try to learn something new in the sex department. To this end I am going to give detailed tips on planning a ‘play’ at least every 6 weeks. So keep reading!
Today however I just want to chat about our reluctance and fear at exploring sex and learning something new.
Nobody teaches us sexual techniques. WE may be talking about sex more often these days but when it comes down to the actual mechanics of it nobody is saying anything.
It may be because we don’t really know whether we are doing it right or wrong. After having sex for years it may be humiliating to find out that what we have been doing does not fulfill our partner!
Let’s face it most of us have copied our moves from movies, porn or otherwise. This year I think we should up the game.
You may be one of the liberated ones who has explored your own body and know what feels pleasurable. You may be lucky enough to know what and orgasm feels like. And then you have to be brave enough to communicate your preferences and lessons learned to your partner.
Your partner has their own set of preferences and expectations. One would rarely do this on a one night stand because we first need a level of trust to share this intimate knowledge. By the time we do get this bond we have tolerated bad sex for so long that we now feel it would be a betrayal to say that what is happening doesn’t really work for us.
I think the solution is to deal with it straight up, one night stand or not. Every sexual experience should be pleasurable and if they are offended by the suggestions, well then I guess they will remain one night stands, but maybe they learned something!
Whenever I am in a book shop I look for the books on sex.
I always ask the assistant to see their reaction. I always ask loud enough for the people around me to hear. Inevitably the books are always on the very bottom right hand shelf of the health section. Occasionally they are in the same place but in the self help section. This means that to look at them properly you have to be on your knees.
Nothing discreet about it!
Then you have to pay. I have no shame and watch people’s reactions carefully. It’s a mixture of sympathy or curiosity with a smattering of judgement. This may be the reason why the book on Basic Bondage is damaged from all the paging through but has never been purchased! Little wonder then that people never learn anything new unless they saw a particular move in a porn movie.
I think women are more open to learning new tricks. I say this because many of us automatically take responsibility for failure in the bedroom. Men seldom do. Women enroll in our courses, purchase books and DVDs on sexual technique far more than men. It seems that men think that an erect penis is all they need.
When we organise workshops, women attend not men. If we organise a men’s only event, very few men respond or enquire. Our poor partners are always bullied to attend to ensure that it looks more popular than it is. I am prepared to accept that we may have the formula wrong, so if you have nay suggestions on how to make it more successful, let me know.
Do men really believe that when it comes to sex they know it all? Where could they have learnt? I suppose on the job from participants who have no courage to communicate their discontent!
I have a number of friends who are dating new men and I am amused by the stories. Besides having to deal with poor hygiene and appalling table manners they have had to field a number of dodgy sexual advances. And as Cher said ‘It’s in his Kiss!’
I reckon I can tell how good or bad a man is going to be in bed by his kiss. Those who kiss with respect and it feels like crushed strawberries on your lips will probably be great. The open mouthed guppies trying to attach, not so much and the greedy feeders will never get to second base because you just know that the experience will be awful!
Most men express that they derive pleasure from their partner’s pleasure. That her orgasm is important to him. Many women tell me that they wish their partner would take instruction and stop obsessing about her orgasm because they get little pleasure out of the interaction. Somewhere something is wrong and many of us are participating in sex and getting very little out of it!
It reminds me about a line from the movie Shirley Valentine, where she compares sex to going to the grocery store. ‘There is a lot of pushing and shoving but in the end you come out with very little!’
So this year let’s change the game. Men need to stop thinking they know it all and women need to participate. You both need to explore the possibilities and verbalise wants, desires and thoughts. Try something new. If the new technique doesn’t work for you, figure out why. Is it mental or physical? Have a giggle and move on.
Sex should never be painful (that’s a different game). It must always be safe and sane with proper consent.
Tell your partner to slow down, speed up or move slightly to the left. In the long run it is going to make the world of difference.
Please comment and share to friends and enemies – I’m not fussy!