How to fight the good fight.
Arguments are inevitable in every relationship. The real purpose of arguing is to come to an agreement! Learn how to fight the good fight.
Here are some tips for arguing that will try to get you to a position of agreement without degrading the relationship.
Argue in the present- try to resolve the problem at hand without bringing up old hurts.
It serves no purpose to rehash old arguments when you are upset. Deal with today’s issue only.
Leave out words like “You never…” or “You always…” and avoid insults.
Insulting someone leads to feelings of rejection and of being unloved which will just cause retaliation and escalate the fight. Rather say things like, “I appreciate you but I am upset that you did/said this and it made me feel….sad/worthless/anxious/angry…..”
We tend not to listen with both ears when arguing and are rather are formulating our reply instead of hearing what the other person is saying. Listen to the words but also to the deeper nonverbal clues in what he is saying. Listen to the wants and needs beneath what they are saying.
Listen to what is being said and don’t steamroller the conversation. Try not to interrupt the other person and try to see their point of view. If you are unclear about something reflect back what they have said by saying. “ So you are saying that ….”
Try to avoid screaming at one another, it serves no purpose and just makes you both more angry. Loudness equals powerlessness! It says “I am not being heard so I have to shout!”
Don’t make threats or become physical by throwing or hitting things. If one of you gets out of control it usually means that they are feeling cornered or threatened. Have some safeguards to the argument becoming too overheated. Walk away or take a “time out” to both go and reflect and calm down. When you have become more rational, set a time to resolve the issue and clear the air.
If you find it difficult to speak your mind or are being steamrollered, use this time to write down how you feel. Even if this just allows you to recognize your emotions without showing your partner, it is a valuable tool for you.
Recognise times when you are angry because your partner did something wrong or if you have just had a bad day because you are stressed or worried and are taking out your stress on the one closest to you. Rather tell your partner that you are stressed and unfit for human consumption because you are in a bad space and that you need time to unwind and reflect.
Men often feel the need to try and sort your problems out instead of just listening to you and letting you let off steam .Tell him that you don’t want his help at that time, just someone to listen and be supportive otherwise phone a female friend and tell her how you feel. Women are better at just listening without trying to solve your problems.
Don’t remain silent when something is bothering you. Silence builds resentment and allows your anger to fester and grow. Rather discuss what is bothering you and sort out the problem. Many times we assume that we know what the other person is thinking but are wrong….don’t try and be a mind-reader!
Don’t hold grudges or stay angry. When the argument is over, kiss and make up and move on. Learn to compromise and forgive. Make up sex is wonderful!
If you can’t fight the good fight get some professional counselling or couples’ therapy to help you resolve your issues. Contact us if you would like a referral to a professional – www.lolamontez.co.za | email@example.com
DONT’S of arguing.
- Don’t be ashamed of your anger
- Don’t call in the heavy artillery
- Don’t air your dirty linen in public
- Don’t paint yourself into a corner
- Don’t use the turtle approach
- Don’t keep a chip on your shoulder
- Don’t use sex as a weapon
- Learn to say “I’m sorry”
- Learn from past experiences
- Learn to forgive and forget
- Move on.