Last week I hinted at fantasies, so I thought now would be a good time to talk about them in a bit more detail.
We all have them, some are milder than others and whilst many have a common theme they are individualized. I often ask if in their fantasy the other party has a face- Like Brad Pitt or Scarlett Johnsson?
The answer always surprises me because the answer is split – some do and some don’t!
If you’re curious my fantasies have body parts not personalities.
Fantasies are healthy and should not be considered a failing in your relationship. They often increase intimacy and can often help you find that illusive orgasm. They can also just as quickly have your partner think you’re a sick puppy and have them running in the opposite direction.
So here are some tips on how to ascertain what to share and what not to.
Last week I mentioned the filing cabinet for fantasies – it works really well.
What is filed in your drawers will depend on you. My filing cabinet has three drawers. The first is filled with vanilla and I will happily share them with someone I barely know. Someone I am flirting with and trying to pick up. These are ‘safe’ fantasies. They are not going to get me arrested. They are going to get him revved up and thinking I’m a bit wild (again this is very subjective). Something like – Sex in a Hot Air Balloon over the Serengeti.
Now you know I’m a bit of an exhibitionist but not cheap!
The second drawer is filled with those fantasies that you should only share with someone you are already intimate with and trust. These fantasies are vanilla with choc chip incorporated. They range from wild threesomes to a full blown orgy. Popular in this category is often role play, nun, school girl, nurse etc.
Finally the third drawer. This is the place you file all those shame based fantasies that you keep to yourself because I suggested last week, if you share them with your partner and the relationship ends, these are fantasies that will be cited in the divorce papers and will be used against you in a custody battle. I used to be an attorney so I can make this assumption with reasonable accuracy.
So now you have your administration and filing sorted out let’s talk about common fantasies that virtually everyone has.
Many fantasies are opposite ends of the same coin. Voyeurism and exhibitionism, surrender and power, surrender and power. Fantasies can be quick flashes or full stories, whatever rocks your boat. Many are influenced by early memories. Images you found arousing before you knew what arousal was. Something you saw or heard from a friend, neighbor, school, family, fairy tale, TV, music, porn – almost anything. These very early images are extremely powerful because they catch you at an age when you are most impressionable. These images are usually completely innocent and devoid of sexual content.
On serious note your fantasies sexual or otherwise are powerful tools to unlock doors to repressed personal history. They can help you, with the assistance of a professional therapist, to cope with problems and deal with trauma. They can also be a safe outlet for dark, naughty or forbidden desires. It can be a risky business, so baby steps.
For this article fantasy 101, the top fantasies at present, and believe it or not they do change annually, I think it has to do with media influence, are:
- Sex with a stranger. If you throw in a sexy hotel room, I’m all over it. Sex with someone you don’t know and will never see again, just think of the possibilities! I’m talking about the fantasy not the reality.
- The more the merrier! Threesome, foursome and full blown orgy. I have this fantasy about a completely dark room filled with strangers. My control freak kicks in because I have to choose who gets into the room, which kind of defeats the purpose. But then again it is fantasy!
- The power or surrender fantasy. Being ordered, spanked, having to beg etc. being watched or watching. Reminds me of that saying, ’Dance like nobody is watching’. When you have sex the opposite is true, F@#$ like somebody is filming.
- Many women fantasize about another woman. Men on the other hand fantasize about anal sex, doing and receiving.
- Being ravaged, very often accompanied by being pwerless and ordered. I think this one works because we are not in charge of the decision to have sex and so bear no guilt. I know it doesn’t really make sense but then anything to do with sex rarely does.
- Remember Demi Moore in Striptease? I wonder how many fantasies are directly linked to that movie. I often fantasize about that body, Having one – not having one. Okay maybe having one too and now I’m back to body parts!
- Wearing a strap on is a big one for women, to be used on a man, getting our own back or pleasing another woman are equally common. And then the fantasy that no one want to admit to – the force or rape fantasy. The innocent, naive being devoured by the predator and deviant. Just a head’s up to the idiot with one brain cell reading this. Just because it’s a fantasy and we think it does not mean that you have permission and have to act on it! So have some control and get help. No always means no and permission is expressed verbalized consent – so don’t be a shmuck!
One last word of advise, no matter how tempted or questioned NEVER admit to fantasies that include family members, best friends or animals. You are opening yourself up to a world of pain and humiliation. Keep those in drawer three, your secret and safe fantasy.
I’d love to hear your fantasies for research only! If you have any questions email Sharon@lolamontez.co.za