Dealing with an insecure man
How do we deal with an insecure man when, we like to think that our man is a 21st Century Metro Man? Confident, in touch with his feminine side, and a man’s man! Just thinking he could be all those things would make me nervous if I was a man.
Men have insecurities just like us. They might not talk about it with their mates, or ever let us see them, but they are there and left unaddressed can be very destructive in a relationship. He may feel insecure if you earn more than him, are a lot younger, have a wider circle of friends, are more confident, have had more sexual partners.
He has insecurities and very often they come out to play in your relationship, and not always in a good way. How do you deal with them without changing who you are or trying to change him?
The role of the women has changed so dramatically. A generation ago – barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen – was where a woman was expected to be. Now a woman’s place is IN THE WORLD, with a seat at the head of the table!
Women are progressing so rapidly, achieving in every sphere and often overtaking their men academically, in business, and salary.
Some men are feeling dis-empowered, not only in South Africa, but worldwide. This causes insecurities and may ever cause feelings of impotence, not only in their intimate life but also in their work, relationships and family.
Their insecurity will manifest in different ways: He may become depressed, anxious, be passive aggressive, withdrawn or will show bravado to mask his insecurity. They can often become very confrontational and aggressive.
The relationship often becomes abusive when she starts earning more or gets a huge promotion. On the other hand, some men who are confident in themselves do not see this as a competition. They are thrilled that their partner is successful and support her all of the way. This is usually a relationship built on mutual respect. Essential in any relationship.
Sometimes the man is quite relieved that she is taking over the breadwinner role. Other times it is the woman who starts to lose respect for her partner because he is not ambitious enough. Which can be an equally destructive. We are very often our own worst enemy!
The process of negotiation and setting ground rules is important in defining the relationship. Any change is difficult, if your relationship is being affected, get some professional counselling. We all bring our own insecurities into a relationship but it’s how we deal with them and discuss them that makes all the difference.
One way to deal with an insecure man is to share everything.
Share your feelings, share the work stress, share the household duties and make him feel important in the home. Tell him how much you appreciate his help with everything and allow him to make some decisions.
Therapists agree, don’t compromise yourself in the process. Be the best you can be and if he has a problem with that then get some help.
A man I know (one of the most confident I know) said that he had to deal with this in his own life. His suggestion “Get over it!” Stop whining and be happy, life is a journey and as long as you do it together who cares who earns more?
Good advice indeed!